When I was a child I knew I was going to get married. There was never a doubt in my mind that this is what I would do. Not certain if it was what I wanted or if it was just my way of making sure that I wouldn’t become a priest like my father wanted me to be. The irony of that situation does not allude me and I’m so glad that my rebellion from him started young. What a horrible existence that would have been. Because with the universe being so big, you might as well call it infinity, we are nothing more than a speck. Nothing in the almost fourteen billion year old history of the universe. Insignificant.
But because of you. Because of finding you, standing there at the front of our philosophy tutorial. Wearing a red tshirt with a blue bandana or was it a blue shirt with a red bandana? Shit, it was over a decade ago now and I cant remember every little detail anymore. But I remember you. And how I felt. How I watched you walk towards me and by me. I followed you with my eyes to see where you would sit down. I knew. I needed to know you. You had my attention. You were always on my mind. I just couldn’t stop thinking about you. That infatuation. That lust. That hormonal need of a nineteen year old man (I’m being generous here). But you were already it. I wasn’t so insignificant anymore.
You were already the reason that my very short time. My speck of nothingness in the long history of this universe had meaning. I was meant to love you. And although things always seem to get in the way of that constant knock at the back of your head, reminding you that there is someone who hung the moon for you. The career. The kids. The friends. The extended family. The stress. Always. Always you are there. In my brain. Your happiness intertwined with mine. Your success is my success. Your sadness is mine. Our lives, shared.
It hasn’t been a clean road. Every plan we have ever made for our future, has changed. Every guiding force in our life has changed. We lived a life we thought had to be lived and hated it. We lived a life based on others expectations and it took us away from who we really are. I’m yours and you’re mine. We don’t stay because it’s what we are supposed to do. Because somehow two people living together would bring the distraction to society as we know it if we didn’t live together anymore. No, we are here because we choose. Everyday. To wake up and smile at the other, say good morning, kiss with our horrible morning breath, and spoon. You’re skin against mine. Feeling the warmth of your body heating mine. Falling back into sleep as the snooze clicks away. Less than 5 minutes now and I only want to hit it again and again. I want to spend the day with you in that bed. Every day. For ten years. That has been my favourite way to wake up.
And I say I choose. But I don’t. I need you. You give me meaning. You give me purpose. You give me the unconditional love that I never felt until I met you. And even then I couldn’t see it. I was broken. Cut off from any real emotion. A robot who mimicked the world around me. Happiness looks like this, sadness like this, fear like this. But nothing. I didn’t know what any of those words even meant. But then I had your love. Even if that was the only thing that I had. The only thing that I could feel. It consumed me. You consumed me. You were a fire that burned through any preconceived idea of what I thought my life would be. You made it better. Like matching socks. Finding money already in a parking metre when you don’t have any change. A free drink on a plane. You’re favourite movie being on when you first turn not the tv. You are all of those little surprises that make a day great.
I’ve never stopped feeling that. Through all of the ups and downs that marriage brings. The fights that take too long to recover from. The hurt words that only the other knows how to say to break each other’s hearts. The lonely nights even though we were sitting right next to each other. I never stopped. I still touch your bare leg and get shivers on the back of my neck. I still look into your eyes and smile. I still kiss your lips and think about how it feels. Never just going through the motion. You are the love of my life. My reason for living. My muse. My confidant. My best friend. And all I want, is to grow old with you.
Happy Ten Year Anniversary my love. I love you. Forever. xoxoxo
- Ewan (photo by Aron Goss, taken in Paris)